I have a BIG announcement to make. I know I said I was going to write a book, and I’ve gotten pretty far, but then I realized, does the world really need fewer trees, courtesy of more printed words? Or another humor book that makes you laugh but also is poignantly sweet as it shines a light on life’s little moments that really aren’t so little? Also, isn’t the publishing industry in as bad a situation as newspapers? So this morning, after several long seconds of deep, contemplative thought, I’m switching gears: I’ve decided to start my own lifestyle brand!
I was just watching Gwyneth Paltrow on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” when I had my very own ah-yoni moment and realized… Oh snap! I could make A LOT of money. These are desperate, troubled times and yet a lot of people out there still have plenty of disposable income to go along with the nagging emptiness that compels them to engage in conspicuous consumption of material goods in the pursuit of owning something, anything, that’s very expensive and reduces the angst that haunts the very sole. Yes, that sole. New shoes will help this feeling. What also helps? Ponying up for one or more of these new, highly exclusive offerings from Slop (patent pending).
Attention all you people who feel this overwhelming urge to buy something that can restore a sense of hope and faith and control and yes, firmer thighs, get a load of this:
• Personal Chakra
Shack Center. We all need a place to escape, but if you don’t have a safe house or a second home in the Hamptons, this is the next bestest thing. Use all the muscle you have to pry the sticky, plastic door open and once inside, after you push away the shovels and extra ceramic tile and the still-inflated dolphin pool toy, you can get down to meditative business. Shut out the distractions of modern day life and give your weary mind a break while awakening your senses to the extreme cold or heat and maybe get the slightest buzz off the gas fumes emanating from the leaky leaf blower. $198 per quarter-hour of meditation.
• Bite Me Vitacalifragilisticsexpiali Dose Us Vitamins With Ginseng and Turmeric and Added Calcium. These chewy, holistic supplements are designed to be calming while energizing and they’re chockfull of wellness and maybe just a smidge of crack. They’ll boost your metabolism, make your immune system invincible, crank up your level of alertness, help your vision, sharpen your hearing and then bring on the ultimate release as you come crashing into a state of utter and complete coma, er, calmness. They’re tart, they’re sweet, they’re a good workout for slack jaws. They’re blended with a special herb grown high in the Andes and harvested by only the most virtuous of the pack of regional wild guanacos who pre-chew the herb for maximum flavor and absorption. Also, they may contain the tears shed by Gwyneth Paltrow who’s now scared of her newest competition. These have no actual medicinal effect but may make you feel smug. Also, also, these are not repackaged Sour Patch Kids. $500 per 10-tablet pack. Dosage: 10 tablets approximately every 10 minutes.
• Recycled Organic Hydration Cloak. Everyone knows how important hydration is, but not everyone needs to know you carry an off-brand water bottle. Keep that cheap thing under cover with one of these thick, artisanal pieces in a variety of patterns and colors. They’re not my kids’ unmatched socks. Swearsies. $299 each. Please allow us to personally select a cloak for you.
• Petromorphic De-Stressing Meditators. Oh please, they’re not rocks! These rough-hewn mini boulders are carefully handcrafted by Mother Nature — and the strong teeth of Labs that enjoy chewing nonfood items. Directions for use: Gently roll them around in your palms because they’re kind of sharp, and then feel a stab of calm. If you feel an actual stab and puncture your hand and are bleeding profusely, well, then you’re guaranteed to reach an ultra high level of calm that could cause you to pass out. Another suggested use: Hurl directly at the person who’s crushing your chill. $599.99 per dozen.
• Manual Labor. Sometimes our lives feel just so devoid of purpose. Our jobs are mind numbing and pointless. What’s it all about? This lets you get back to basics when life was simpler and allows you to feel and really see that you have accomplished something with your valuable time. It feels great to get down and dirty and so you should definitely come clean out my minivan. Guaranteed good for the chakras. Also, guaranteed weight-loss — if you use your own spit to clean the windshield. $1,999.99.