Stuff I Didn’t Know Existed — or That You Could Buy

Gonna be honest, I’m spent. More spent than a wad of ones at a strip club. Wait, that’s not a good or accurate example of my lifestyle. Let me try again.

Ahem. Let me shake out my fingers. OK. Here we go. One more time….

I’m spent. More spent than a handful of quarters fished out of the change jar and passive-aggressively paid toward the $5 admission fee that grants me the privilege of watching my own personal child play basketball at a local gym.

It’s been an emotionally draining time in our family for a number of reasons, but chief among them has been the angst and anxiety of senior year, complete with college admissions hooha. Oh, and we had do-overs for family pictures and I’m annoyed  because one of my kids made dumb faces in nearly all of them while I, meanwhile, was trying really hard to smile nicely and naturally and instead ended up looking like a plastic surgery “before” ad. Sigh.

And, I’m still plugging away, trying to get a book deal. I feel stripped bare after pouring my soul out to literary agents, in what I’m hoping are funny, attention-getting ways in cold-query emails that I only have a 50-50 shot that they’ll actually open. It’s a pretty debilitating experience. I’d say it’s up there in the Pantheon of Sucky Things: trying on jeans, watching a middle-school track meet and getting a rectal exam.

So, you’ll understand why I don’t have anything particularly revelatory to say. I just want to laugh, and these are the things that gave me a much needed tickle in the funny bone. Thought I’d share.

  1. I’m not sure how I made it this far into my 40s without knowing that it’s possible to buy underwear with SECRET POCKETS. That’s crazy awesome. These are the treasures you discover when you aimlessly cruise Amazon.com late at night. So while the overstuffed pockets in the top picture made me chuckle*, what really made me laugh was the all-capped disclaimer in an accompanying pic: “UNDERWEAR DOES NOT COME WITH MONEY IN POCKET.” Yeah, but what about the cell phone? And passport?

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Similarly, ladies, you can buy an add-on pocket for your bra! Although, I think the only person who could pull that off without it being totally obvious (or looking like you have a third boob) would be Stormy Daniels. Or Dolly Parton.

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2. It is absolutely possible to buy a nearly 27-pound gummy python. Such a bargain, too. The price has dropped to $120 from $149.99

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3. This little gem I learned from looking at the bottom of the screen, where Amazon shows you what other things buyers who looked at the gummy snake were also interested in….

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You can order a Nic Cage pillowcase. I don’t see how those two things are related. Also, I don’t know why you would buy such a pillowcase, but… you could.

4. There is a such a place called Arkedelphia! Even my smarty-pants husband, who knows about everything but is especially good at geography, didn’t know this.

Me: “There is actually a town called Arkedelphia.”

Him: “In what country?”

Me: “Arkansas.”

Him: “Figures.”

Downtown_Arkadelphia,_AR_001
5. Finally, the ‘E’ in Chuck E. Cheese stands for…. entertainment. What?! I totally would have guessed Edgar.
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*The overstuffed “stash” pockets in those pairs of underwear make me think of a joke my beloved uncle, who passed away a year ago, once told about a Filipino guy. It’s OK, don’t get all worked up, my uncle’s Filipino. He’s allowed to tell the joke.
So, there’s this guy and he wants to look good when he goes to the beach so he asks his friend what he should do.
The friend says, “Put a potato in your swim trunks.”
So, the guy drops a potato in his suit and goes to the beach and gets all these funny looks. “Noooooo,” the friend tells him, “the potato goes in the FRONT.”

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