What does this emoji mean to you?
I have always, always, always interpreted it as “jazz hands” as in, happy, excited. My 18-year-old — who being under 30 would know — agreed. Some friends, though, insist that it means hug and that if you type “hug” on your phone, this very smiley face — which seems to have disproportionately skinny fingers compared to its balloon head — pops up.
This news rocked my world. Rocked. It.
I naturally went a-Googling to get to the bottom of this and discovered Elon Musk
agrees with me, although people are for sure split on the issue. It seems like in this day and age of #Metoo and considering the placement of the hands, that thinking of this as a hug would definitely be sexual harassment.
• • •
I’ve been ellipticaling daily, skipping sugar, going to CrossFit with a friend once a week and still my jeans are mighty tight. This is middle age, I guess, along with reading glasses and yelling “what?” at my forever mumbling kids. Because I’m stubborn, I’m going to keep doing all these things but because I hate feeling like my jeans are going to cross-section me if I sneeze, I decided to buy a pair of stretchy pants.
I dunno why I bought these fire-engine-hued leggings with racing stripes down the side, but I did. The next morning, in the sensible light of day in front of my bedroom mirror, I immediately regretted my decision. When I went back to Old Navy to return them, the nice cashier asked if there was anything wrong.
“Only with my judgement,” I said. “I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to bring that much attention to my butt by wearing red pants.”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “Those are pretty bright.”
• • •
I just finished reading through excerpts from the worst sex writing of the year and I’m mad for two reasons. One, I can’t ever unsee that dreck and two, THAT gets a publisher?!