Hello, ‘Ween!

I have always loved dressing up for Halloween.

When I was a kid, I remember going as Wonder Woman, my idol. We did the homemade costume thing and my mom suggested a red t-shirt and some shorts. I was horrified. That’s not authentic! She wore a swimsuit! I WOULD wear a swimsuit. Problem was, I had no swimsuit that looked remotely like her costume and so I pulled on my navy floral bikini, tied on a green towel for a cape, laced up my brown oxford shoes, taped on not-so-bullet-deflecting construction paper bracelets and slapped on a gold mask (smart so no one could ID me later) and went trick-or-treating. I was offended that no one knew who I was. Later that night, I was mortified to discover that my bikini top had ridden up to my neck. I was 7 — and missing two other, um, attributes of that Wonder Woman costume that might have kept it in position. Thank God for the mask.

Costumes since have been decidedly less hoochie. In fact, it’s usually good wholesome family fun. Why even bother to have kids if you’re not going to torment them by forcing them into themed group costumes?!

The tradition started, actually, when No. 1 demanded everyone be some sort of historical American figure because she wanted to be the Statute of Liberty. Her easily swayed sister was fine with being Betsy Ross and her dad was down with Uncle Sam. Captain America was a bit of a stretch, but No. 3 really wanted to be a superhero and I, of course, was Baberaham Lincoln.

I loved the “Bob’s Burgers” costume… even though no one could guess who we were.

“Underfunded Schoolhouse Rock” was a last-second throw-together costume and the kids obliged me with a single group photo before they changed into their own outfits and went off to do their own things.

Remember a few years ago when you couldn’t pick up the paper or turn on the TV without hearing about some member of the Ball family? Or, maybe that was just my house.

Well to bring you up to speed, the dad is LaVar Ball and he makes Kris Jenner look like a total pushover. His sons, all with increasingly bad ‘L’ names — Lonzo, LiAngelo and LaMelo — play basketball. Read Wikipedia or Google them if you want more, but that’s the gist of it. Well, we got really creative that year and did LaVar along with, ahem, Lawn-zo (see the patch of turf on the tee?) along with some bonus Ball family members like Lucille and Magic 8 and LaMelon Ball-er. Again, everyone obliged with a picture and then immediately changed into other outfits.

I couldn’t drum up a lot of support for my idea last year — Fartnite. So I went solo and made myself a Gas-X bandolier and grabbed an old Nerf gun. A couple of 10-year-old boys thought it was funny. Or maybe they were just humoring me to make sure they got extra candy.

This year, No. 2 suggested we all wear the shirts I had made earlier this summer for the book. So, This. year is more than Halloween — it’s a marketing opportunity! I’m sure they’ll wear them long enough for a group pic and then change. No. 3 apparently thinks a Hydroflask costume* is better. :: Eye roll.:: That’s OK, I’m pretty sure I can turn This. into a Christmas card, too.