Yup. You know it. The bitch is back.
So, how was your holiday break? What’d ya do?
When you look at all the baking from above, it just didn’t seem like enough so No. 1 and I baked more…
• baked and baked and baked — peppermint brownie bark, chocolate shortbread cookies, toffee coffee cake, matzoh toffee, s’mores bars, Nanaimo bars, blackberry-coconut bars, BIRTHDAY CAKE because yes we have a birthday THREE days before Christmas and homemade focaccia pizza and Georgian cheese bread and even after all that, when I mentioned how overly ripe two bananas had become, No. 1 pointed out that I could make banana bread with them and so I did!
And then I baked a blueberry-apple pie for New Year’s because it seemed like the right thing to do and then I made labor-intensive waffles that required egg-white whipping and then, finally, M and M cookies for No. 1 to take back to college and now, gotta be honest, I am kinda baked out.
My oldest child came with me to do this insane Christmas Eve workout that involved five different grueling “houses” and I really think they should refer to them as “prisons” because to me a house is cookies and coziness and not feeling like you just want someone to shank you already and put you out of your misery.
Even on Christmas Eve and at 9 a.m. New Year’s Day! Which is impressive for me because I generally am not motivated and have never in my life stuck with a regimen this long and so happy one-year anniversary of CrossFit to me and I do feel stronger but I wish I had more to show for it than this 2.25-inch span of definition directly above both knees.
• played video games with this new virtual reality helmut that I didn’t even know existed and so I guess I need to spend even more time on the internet and social media so I do not have “OK, Boomer” directed at me because I am one of those out-of-touch oldsters who laments the use of landlines and Morse code.
• agreed to a NYE sleepover because how bad could it be with just four extra 15-year-old boys? Weeeeelllllll…. All of 10 minutes had passed before one of the boys came sliding down the hall on his back and I peeked out of the kitchen to see his hands and feet were duct-taped together and so I confiscated the tape but was unaware of the Costco-sized, Freddy Mercury-bonus-teeth pack of neon-green spearmint gum that one party guest smuggled in and then stuck a chewed piece on top of the gum container and then left it on the floor because that is exactly where you leave things like that and the dog stepped in it and tracked it through the house and we had to do some serious grooming to get it off of her foot and leg and head and out from in between her paw pads and then off of the couch. It could have been worse.
• de-Christmased the earliest ever — Dec. 26 — because there was some weird mishap with the tree stand and puddles of liquid soaked several gifts and my little OCD brain couldn’t let that go so off went the ornaments and lights and festive frivolity well before they should have been boxed.
• binge-watched “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and it was so fun and enjoyable and now I feel even emptier that those crazy characters won’t be on our TV for months and months.
• laughed. A lot.
• made no resolutions because, honestly, I forgot that was a thing and also I think everyone should have the same one every year anyway: to try harder at being a better person.
So now what?
Well, I have this giant stack of yucky adult-y things that can no longer be put off because of “the holidays” and so I must work my way through that. I also really need to get back into the swing of writing because one of the things I’m pondering in the early stages of this new year is, gulp, do I take another stab at another book? How’s that for a surprise ending?!
*I wanted to say “Happy New Year, Bitches” because that sounds funny but it also isn’t really me, although it is secretly me. I’m edgier (read: meaner) than you might think.