9:40: I walk through the door, hot and sweaty, after an hour of grueling outside exercise in 80-ish degree heat*.
9:41: I glance at my phone to see a message from my editor. She has an emergency pun situation (yes, those apparently do exist). I need to come up with barbecue and picnic-related puns in 30 seconds.
9:42: My text alerts start blowing up. After the plea for puns, it’s my son. He says I need to call him out of school because it’s testing day and they’re allowed to leave campus at 11 a.m. I leave a message on the attendance line and in the middle of it, the phone starts making these weird pulsing tones and because it’s been so very long since we’ve been in demand enough to get two calls at once, I fail to recognize it’s call-waiting and think the school’s hung up on me.
I look at the receiver, like it might tell me what’s up which is pointless because months ago it stopped displaying who is actually calling, which is why I get suckered into answering all those stupid robocalls (“Do you want to sell your house?”) or else it’s my mom, the only other person who uses the number for the landline. The phone rings in my hand, and it was indeed someone from Pakistan wanting to buy our home, so I immediately hang up and call the school back and finish excusing No. 3 in a weirdly confessional call in which I explain everything that I just told you and at a freakishly fast pace because I realize I need to hop into the shower because A) I am seriously gross and starting to smell like the dogs, and B) I have an appointment.
So I text my son that he’s clear and just needs to sign out in the office and then I hop into the shower.
9:45: I turn on the water and get in way too prematurely because it’s so cold, but actually it doesn’t feel THAT bad because I’m so overheated from the crush of activity. I can hear my cell phone go off and Nosy No. 2 who NEVER lets a ringing phone ring, yells that it’s her brother and asks if she should answer.
“YES!” I yell. “ANSWER IT!”
I hear her say, “Yeah, she’s in the shower.”
I am now speed shaving my legs as the shower curtain yanks back and an arm partially thrusts my phone into the stall.
“What’s up?!” I yell over the running water.
“I need you to give the principal permission for me to leave campus.”
“OK!” I answer, thinking I’ll need to call in a few minutes.
“Cool, I’ll put you on speaker.”
And so, in the ultimate multitasking move, I bail my kid out of school FROM THE SHOWER, yelling at the principal over the splishing and splashing. I did stop shaving my legs, so I guess it wasn’t truly multi-multitasking but dang that was an eventful 5 minutes, for those of you who were keeping track of the clock at home.**
Epiblogue: In case you were wondering about those puns, which were to accompany employee appreciation gifts … They were needed to go along with different picnic-y items such as a blanket, which I suggested (and it will def not make the cut): “Thanks for covering our grass.”
Epi-epiblogue: My son walked through the door at 10:57 a.m., just about an hour after that incredibly eventful string of events. He noted that, as part of the state testing, he wrote a fabulous essay. “It was AMAZING,” he humbly explained. “The school is getting money for that one. “
Epi-epi-epiblogue: TODAY—April 13—I am just emerging from the shower to a ringing phone. No. 3 again.
“Mom, can you dismiss me from school again today?”
And so I do, giving my verbal permission to some woman in the office.
“Hey! This time I was actually out of the shower!!!”
“Uh, you’re still on speaker.”
*Yes, you may pause for a moment to be VERY impressed by this.
**Yes, you may take yet another moment to be SUPER impressed.