My Watch Calls the Shots

There she is — I love my constant weather updates.

My watch is soooo bossy.

It’s an Apple Watch, of course. And it’s constantly on my back: Time to Stand! Close Your Rings! Watch out — your heart rate is up! Way up!

Yeah, ‘cuz you’re always nagging me! 

Well, at least my watch used to nag me. All the time. It routinely told me when to stand or walk, and it set off digital fireworks when I met movement goals. One time, during our vacation when we were walking miles and miles and miles a day, it got so confused by my near-constant movement that it asked if I wanted to record my elliptical workout! Maybe my watch was just sucking up, but I appreciated that it recognized my hard work nonetheless.

But these days, my watch is eerily quiet.

I remember how badly I wanted an Apple Watch a few years ago. My husband — knowing how much I suck at technology and how bad my eyes are — convinced me I did not want one. But, on my birthday that year, he did gift me with a much less expensive, purple Fitbit. It was pretty cool. What I loved most was how vindicated I felt every morning when I checked my sleep stats for verification of how little snoozing I really get each night. Weirdly, the ‘bit counted 6 hours as “fair” and it most definitely is not. It’s patently unfair. 

I quickly abandoned the Fitbit once my champagne-colored Apple Watch hit the scene. We’ve been inseparable for the past four months. I take it off only for it to charge and when I shower, and I have the ridiculous tan line to prove it. But, these days I’m wondering how much of a team we really are. 

I spent 20 minutes zombie shuffling up and down my street and the watch didn’t ask even once if I wanted to record an outdoor walk like it did in the early days of our partnership when I’d walk the dogs for even less time. Does it know something’s up and there’s a reason why I’m so slow? Does it know I had a partial knee replacement? Did it make note of the surgery date on my calendar? Maybe it read my texts and emails?

My watch NEVER tells me to stand or walk anymore. It does tell me when new episodes of “She-Hulk” are available.   

OMG, what if it’s being polite because it thinks I’ve given up on fitness and it doesn’t want to point out my slothiness and hurt my feelings. That’s so considerate. Oh Watchie! That’s sweet.  

Wait a minute …

What if … What if … My watch has been pulling a Hal and it’s plotting behind my back to turn my iPhone and iPad against me?! 

“Hey guys … Did you see that pair of shorts she put in her cart? Size extra small?!  Snort! That’s hilarious. Who is she kidding — she doesn’t even stand anymore. Loser. ”

What … a … BITCH.

I always did like the desktop Mac better anyway. Soooo much easier for shopping and reading and emailing because it has that HUGE screen and guess what, Watch?! Size does matter.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Fitbit to track down …

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