Stop! Thief!

Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been lying low. I’ve been waaaaay too busy — not because of working (it’s been slow as a freelance writer so if you’re a college high school middle school kindergarten student who needs a paper written, shoot me a DM) or rehabbing my knee or because of my duties as secretary of the basketball booster club.

No, I have been busy filing reports online, filling out paperwork and scouring through an additional 527 emails a day from all the credit reporting bureaus I signed up with to freeze/supervise/protect my good credit and name now that I’ve been a two-time victim of identity theft. 

Me. Yes me. 

Apparently, everybody — or at least two yahoos who opened two different bank accounts in my name – want to be me*!

Both accounts have, or rather had, a balance of zero and so that is actually eerily similar to The Real Actual Bona Fide Kristen Cook. Which again begs the question — why would anyone want to pretend to be me? Did you not see my occupation listed as “freelance writer” on Linked In? Everyone knows that’s code for “I’m biding my time until my brilliant kids to all land great jobs and take care of me.”

So, it’s annoying enough to have to call the banks and wait on hold for hours, listening to the world’s worst, tinniest music (although it makes me happy the folks behind “The Final Countdown” are still gainfully employed) but to still have to FILL OUT MULTIPLE SHEETS OF PAPERWORK?! When I’M the victim?! Talk about adding insult to injury.

After being on hold so long that I actually opted to get called back, which surprisingly did result in a callback and then an immediate stint on hold AGAIN (YOU CALLED ME! YOU SHOULD BE ON THE LINE!), Bank of America had the nerve to force me to fill out a Uniform Affidavit for Identity Theft. If I failed to do this within 30 days, I would be considered a big fat faker, liar-liar-pants-on-fire dummy. Not that they said that exactly, but it was definitely implied.

I actually had to provide proof of residency during a specific time period and then give them allllll my important details like my full name, driver’s license number, favorite child AND my social security number. Really B of A? Is that such a great idea? We’ll see if three more accounts now open up in my name… 

So, this is all a monumental pain in my butt, and I just have one special message for people out there who think my identity is worth stealing: I am not THAT cool! Please don’t try to be me!!!

Also, please note that in addition to writing your kindergartener’s story for circle time, I now have the skills to fill out identity theft reports. My rates are very, very reasonable.

*Um, maybe they need to follow this blog and reread that second sentence about my current work situation.

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