When Life Gives You Lemons, Turn It Into A Subaru Ascent

I can’t even count the number of recalls there have been on my car. Four? Five? Oooh, maybe even six with the latest one I just read about in the paper — a COMBUSTION RECALL*!

Subaru warned Ascent owners to park their cars outdoors because THEY MIGHT CATCH ON FIRE. 

Daaaaaang, Subaru. Go big or go home.

We do have a carport, but just in case I called and left a very long, weird message for my service advisor to see if my ride was one of those affected by the recall because as stressed about the holidays as I am right now, I don’t think blowing up the car is the answer. At least not today anyway.

And the thing is, it wasn’t a big deal for them to check because my car was already there, getting diagnosed for yet another, um, issue.

I’d innocently gone on a Target pickup, popped the trunk and not only would it not open, but the car proceeded to spit out constant, very high-pitched whining, which, granted, I do, too, but in this case it was VERY annoying. Also, it would not stop. Not when I turned the car off, not when I pressed the buttons to pop the latch. I even consulted my manual, what a time-waster that was because no one in the history of motor vehicles has ever solved a problem by reading that thing. 

I had shit to do and no time to mess with this, so I proceeded with my errands. Went to Sprouts, with the high-pitched whine strong as ever.

I turned up the radio.

As soon as I pulled into the driveway, I called Subaru and a nice employee tried to trouble-shoot over the phone, but that didn’t work either.

Since I had nothing better to do on a Saturday, I drove the 54.6 miles to the dealership. I felt confident that the loud shrillness would be attended to quite promptly. And probably they’d also look at the car right away, too.

The whining — from the car —has stopped at last after a … brand-new battery! Under an extended warranty! And even better, I got this $5 coupon from Subaru, so thoughtful, which will be just about perfect for a down payment — if they’ll let me apply it to a Honda.  

*Of course that’s a band name! Also, the part is on order, so … wish me luck?