New Year, New View

These were my 2022 CrossFit goals and just seeing them again stings, especially knowing that I never even came close to having a booty as amazing as Hugh’s.

Don’t look back.

Face forward. Ignore what’s in that rearview mirror! Well, not if you’re actually driving. If you are, then that would be extremely unsafe and you should absolutely keep glancing back.

I’m talking about the rearview mirror of life. Don’t gaze behind you, just look forward. Don’t get stuck in the past. 

That’s a heck of a lot easier to do any other time of year except this one when you can’t help but look back. Constantly, especially if you’re a parent.

You can’t not think of Christmases past while the fresh, shiny new year rubs our noses in the fact that we are all getting older, which is way more exciting as a newly-minted adult looking forward to launching into independence*. “Launching” to someone who’s middle-aged means gathering up enough force to propel your ass off the couch without throwing out your back. Way easier said than done.

Needless to say, I’m currently feeling a lot like our recently stowed Christmas tree lights, all tangled up and not especially useful or needed.

Having all three kids home for the holidays was amazing. It was also a bittersweet reminder of how things used to be and makes it that much harder to go back to “normal” with reduced household numbers that are more in line with fire marshal guidelines, given the amount of trash and mess five people at the holidays generate. Here I am doing all I’m supposed to, all the right things — raising smart, happy kids who can’t wait to get away from me and start their own lives — but that doesn’t mean I can’t still feel sad. I’ve been doing this momming thing for a super long time, it seems unfair to expect I can just give it up cold turkey and be fine. It’s been too long since I was responsible only for myself. I don’t even remember what that was like to wake up whenever I wanted and do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it. At all.

As a general rule, I’m not a resolutions girl. I don’t set new goals for the new year. I prefer to keep a loose accounting in my head of things I’d like to do rather than going on the record for someone to call me out on it later. The 2022 goal board at the CrossFit gym is a perfect example — because it just comes back to bite you in the butt. Three quarters of the way through 2022, I hadn’t hit most of my goals and then knee surgery wiped out any chance. My new goal not declared on a whiteboard for all to see: stop walking with a draggy leg like a Scooby-Doo villain. ‘Twas not easy, but I did accomplish that. 

So, despite all of what I just said, I am going to put this out there in the universe for actual witnesses because I think it’s an important one that could save my heart splitting into pieces and maybe other parents’ hearts as well: be in the present, enjoy the moment** and have fun in the here and now right here and right now. And try really hard not to look back.

*In this case “independence” means, of course, heading off to college where there is no curfew, no one ever tells you to pick up your room or clean out your car and you, not your parents, finally get to be the boss of you. But they still foot the bill. Truly the best of times.

**Exclusions include but are not limited to: squats, thrusters, snatches, running, sitting in traffic, meal planning, grocery shopping, unloading the dishwasher, mopping, dusting, polishing the wood furniture, taking the dogs to the vet and cleaning toilets.

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