I Just Want To Be A Loser

Confession time: I’m trying to lose 10 pounds.

I’m not saying it out loud because I want people to say, “Oh, but you look great! You don’t need to lose weight.”

I actually KNEEd to lose weight.

I’m not doing this for kicks or to see if I have the willpower to do it, I’m forcing myself so that my right knee can keep its original bone structure for as long as possible. I have advanced arthritis and absolutely no cartilage on the inside of my knee. There is, like, thismuchspace between my tibia and femur, which is not good.

While my new doc says I would “crush” a partial knee replacement and I appreciate his vote of confidence, surgery is a scary thing. I’d prefer to put it off as long as possible.

I — like most people my age, I suspect — no longer match the official weight that’s on my driver’s license. I’ve also read quite a bit about the punishment our joints suffer on a daily basis. Every day with every step, your knee can take on a force equal to 3-6 times your weight! Losing some lbs would probably be helpful … if only it were that easy.

I mean, it is for dudes. Which is just another very unfair thing about life and genetics when it comes to male vs female bodies.

Years ago, my husband decided he wanted to lose a few pounds so he cut out soda. He used to get those keg-sized Bladderbusters from Circle K and just stopped cold turkey. Boom! Like that, 10 pounds melted off. If I want to lose that kind of weight, I have to birth AN ENTIRE PERSON.

Another completely unfair, more recent example: One morning at 8:30 CrossFit class, we were all gushing over how svelte this guy who hadn’t been to our session in awhile looked. He said he dropped 20 pounds after exactly 1.5 classes. It’s been two years, and I’m STILL waiting…

I’m soooooo hungry and — lean in here, because I don’t want you to misread what I am about to type — IT TOTALLY SUCKS.

My stomach growls and gurgles all the time, while I’m watching TV and all the noise keeps me awake when I’m trying to fall asleep. I’m not doing any of that fad diet nonsense — just trying to eat healthier (sooooo tired of salad) and drinking tons of water, neither of which is particularly satisfying or filling. I’m contemplating wearing those Crest Teeth Whitening Strips 17 hours a day to avoid giving in to temptation. I’m sure nothing could go wrong there.

It definitely doesn’t help that there is a Costco-sized container of peanut M & Ms taunting me from the top shelf of the pantry or that I live with a very treat-obsessed daughter.

Her: I’m going to Dairy Queen. Want anything?

Me, in sad weak voice: No.

My stomach: GLLLLLBBBBRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT.

Her: I’m going to Whole Foods to see what kind of cake they have.

Me: (Whimper)

My stomach: GGGGGGLLLLLLBBBBBBBBRRRRRRTTTTTT.

Her: Do you know what sounds really good right now? A chocolate chip cookie!

Me (quietly losing my will to live)

My stomach: GGGGGGGAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHH!!!! GGGGGGGGAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!! GGGGGGLLLLBBBBBRRRTTT!!! 

I’m not telling you all of this because I want sympathy (well, I guess I would like a smidge) but mostly because I want you to understand and not be completely repulsed by me if I happen to walk up to you and instead of just politely mentioning you have a little food on your face, I just lick it off. 

BONUS STORY (or, blog dingleberry, however you prefer to think of this): One of my favorite, favorite scenes from our home movies when the kids were wee was when No. 3, who was a tank and loved his grub, was finishing off a bowl of ice cream with great gusto. He picked the bowl up with his chubby little fingers and held it up to his face and licked everything clean. When he pulled it away, he had a ring of melted cookies and cream circling his face and a chunk of Oreo stuck to his cheek. His older sister, the same one mentioned above, swooped in, plucked that cookie bit off his face and popped it in her mouth, setting off the angriest screaming session ever recorded.